If you recall, in my article “Breaking up with Birthdays,” I briefly mentioned my thoughts on time.  Now that 2010 is upon us, time works its way back to the forefront of my mind.  Now is the period when people bust out those well-worn resolutions.  It’s almost customary, if not a little cliché, especially when almost everyone chooses the same tired turnarounds year after year.  I’m going to lose weight.  I’m going to stop smoking.  I’m going to manage my money better. But, do we ever?  Why do we make and break these resolutions year after year?  Do people make resolutions just because this is the time when everyone else does or do people make these resolutions with a genuine effort to change?  And why is it that people wait until January to break bad habits?  Isn’t March 5^th just as good of a time to change as January 1^st? Why do we put off improving ourselves when the best time to transition is now?

I don’t know about other people but I can only venture to guess that time is mostly symbolic when it comes to changing.  A new year, a new month, a new week, a new day all provide a new outlook on life.  It’s almost as if when time spins back around to twelve o’clock, we can forget the past twenty-four hours and start with a new day and a new attitude.  Starting the gym feels so much better on a Monday morning rather than a Thursday afternoon.  What’s the point of starting a diet in October when your just going to be bombarded with fattening holiday foods for the rest of the year?  Better to start in January.  And you might as well wait until after that huge sale at Macy’s to begin saving money.  And major changes always seem more appropriate during major time changes, such as each new year.  But, really, there is no reason to wait any stretch of time to change, to get rid of negative attitudes or to pick up healthy habits.  A lifestyle change is just as effective in the middle of an aging day as it is at the birth of a new one.  Yet, I’m just as guilty as anyone else of putting off change and until a more suitable time.  It’s silly because there really isn’t a more suitable time.  No time like the present, right?  Or maybe the present isn’t the most appropriate moment, after all.  Time is tricky.  It provides unpredictability and spontaneity.  Time, just like plans, changes rapidly and while you can plan to change in the future, the future flows with the uncertainty of a snake.  It can lie dormant and allow for progress or strike you down and put a stop to shifts in perceptions.

Not only do people wait for specific periods of time to change but I think time also provides mental preparedness.  I don’t like change.  Even when something isn’t quite going my way, I always manage to create a rut for myself and I mostly revel in it.  Ruts are comfortable because they are predictable and safe.  And to crawl out of my rut would require facing the open world and the open world is quite frightening.  So maybe I put off changing until certain times simply because I need to get myself mentally ready to retreat from my routines.  I can’t say I’m going to start eating healthy right now knowing I have half a pizza in the fridge.  I know for me to eat healthy, I’m going to have to get rid of that pizza first.  Smokers have to finish off their fags before snuffing out smoking.  Those in debt have to pay off their credit cards before they can begin to tighten their purse strings.  So, when I say I’m going to start walking outside next month, part of it is waiting for the weather to clear up and the other part is me mentally stretching so that when I do go out on that jaunt, I won’t mentally cramp up.

There are other mental aspects to setting up dates to diversify myself and it is slightly darker in nature than simply preparing a place in my noggin for some positive improvement.  It’s no secret that I’m a big guy and it’s definitely no secret that I’m not happy about it.  Every year I hope to lose weight.  Every day I think about it.  And all the time nothing changes.  I’ve often wondered why I can’t seem to get thin and healthy if I’m so unhappy with the way I am now.  Shouldn’t my dissatisfaction with my fat be enough motivation to stop eating Crunch bars and start doing crunches?  Isn’t sadness incentive enough to improve?  You would think so but it’s just not the case.  I suspect that I have many misconceptions about weight loss.  I’ve thought for the longest time that my unhappiness stems from my stomach.  If only I could lose all this weight, if only I could be thin, I would be happy.  But, what if I do lose the weight and I’m still not happy?  If being fat isn’t what’s depressing me, then what is?  It’s something I don’t really want to face and it’s the uncertainty of my sadness that can sometimes feel far more depressing than being doughy so I allow myself to think the fat is the source of my sadness.  I just don’t do anything about it, just put it off, saying I’ll change while subconsciously never intending to because I don’t want to find out that I’ve been wrong all along about why I can’t seem to hold onto happiness.

And as embarrassing as this is, I was watching one of those daytime talk shows (and I’m pretty sure it was about weight loss) when I heard a lady say something that really struck me.  She said that we have to love ourselves enough to change our bad habits, attitudes and behaviors.  It really hit me because I realized that I don’t really love myself that much and maybe that’s why I’ve never been motivated enough to change for the better.  Maybe I’m not worth changing for the better.  If happiness is a possibility for me, am I even deserving enough to try to obtain it?  And if I can, should I?  I’m not happy but I want to be but I can’t be because I’m not worthy enough to be but how can I begin to like myself if I’m not happy with who I am?  It’s a cycle, you know?  I don’t know when or where it started and I can’t find a breaking point, as much as I keep looking for the cracks and chasms in my thought process.  It’s like I’m a hamster running along a wheel of worry.  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I could drop a few pounds of mental problems but, really, I think I’m just wearing myself out.

So, where does this leave me?  I keep saying, “This time is going to be different,” or “This time I’m going to change” but I never do.  Is it from a lack of preparation or a lack of self-worth?  I think I don’t want to associate myself with resolutions because resolutions are usually associated with petty problems.  I don’t need to just lose ten pounds like most people do.  I need to lose my entire lifestyle and attitude toward food.  I don’t just need to treat myself better like a lot of other people do.  I need to overhaul my entire relationship with myself.  I think I have a lot more work to do than just tinkering with my tendencies.  I need to completely restructure who I am as a person.  My problems outweigh the flimsy promises made by millions of people that are discarded as soon as they are declared.  I’m reluctant to participate in the annual ritual of resolutions because it almost seems like resolutions were made to be broken.  I’m broken enough without making empty promises to myself.  I don’t need to set myself up for failure like that.  No, if I’m going to change, I need to make a conscious effort to better myself because despite how I feel about who I am sometimes, I am a decent person who’s simply gotten sidetracked by disappointment and bitterness.  And the only way to escape that is by getting out of that hole instead of wallowing in it.  I have to break that cycle by first treating myself with enough respect to know I’m worth positive growth.  Yes, it’s definitely time to make a change.

I think I’ll start on Monday.

Written by Brannon Jackson

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, Phase 2 Studio or the clients of Phase 2 Studio. Phase 2 Studio makes no representation concerning and does not guarantee the source, originality, accuracy, completeness or reliability of any statement, information, data, finding, interpretation, advice, opinion, or view presented.